Your move! (Photos: Instagram/Kim_Dotcom; Vice)
It’s confirmed: Antivirus pioneer John McAfee has made it out of Belize (his 20-year-old girlfriend and a couple of Vice yahoos in tow) and into Guatemala, where he is now petitioning for asylum. What’s more, according to the latest post to his blog, he would like to please meet the prime minister of Belize on neutral ground to work through their supposed “mutual issues.”
Which inspires us to wonder which techie ex-patriot is the bigger pain in the butt: McAfee, or Megaupload mastermind Kim Dotcom. If you were an immigration official required to admit one of these loudmouthed, trouble-making characters, who would you choose?
Let’s break it down:
Social Media Presence
John McAfee: A blog and seemingly constant phone calls to American reporters, because he’s just old school like that.
Kim Dotcom: The double-barrel combo of Twitter and Instagram.
John McAfee: He likes the ladies. Evidence also seems to indicate this man is mightily fond of illicit substances, though it’s possible he’s just trollin’ us all.
Kim Dotcom: Loudly family-oriented, this one gets his jollies with fast cars and large living.
John McAfee: Tanorexic porno kingpin chic.
Kim Dotcom: Supervillain cool by way of Big and Tall.
Alleged Offenses / Victims
John McAfee: Possibly implicated in the murder of his neighbor, but no one is quite sure because the cops can’t seem to locate him for questioning. We also can’t help but wonder about that 20-year-old woman in whose company he crossed the border.
Kim Doctom: Copyright violations, trumped up to include allegations of criminal racketeering. That affects mainly Hollywood and the RIAA, an organization the Internet loves to hate.
Who’ll Direct Their Respective Biopics
John McAfee: Oliver Stone
Kim Dotcom: Judd Apatow
Resourcefulness in Evading Police
John McAfee: Let’s give credit where credit is due. Thus far, Mr. McAfee seems to be doing a masterful job of eluding law enforcement by any means necessary. No disguise is too embarrassing, even if it involves stuffing tampons in his nose.
Kim Dotcom: Zero. The man is currently under house arrest, and he can’t get access to his frozen assets to mount much of a legal defense, either. Then again, a SWAT team helicoptered into his driveway at the crack of dawn, armed like they were storming Omaha Beach. You’d've gotten caught, too.
John McAfee: Uhh… his 20-year-old girlfriend’s lawyer uncle? Also, certain reporters who might or might not have fibbed to their readers to protect him.
Kim Dotcom: Ron Paul, Swizz Beatz, everyone who’s ever downloaded something illegally (i.e., everyone).
John McAfee: It’s hard to parse what’s real and what’s a flight of fancy from Mr. McAfee. He claims Belize’s Gang Suppression Unit has a special animus for him, that they’re out to get him. Now he’s swanning about Guatemala City intimating that he won’t be safe if he returns. However, the country’s PM doesn’t seem to take him too seriously, having called him–on the record!– “extremely paranoid, even bonkers.”
Kim Dotcom: Somehow, without (allegedly!) killing anyone or hiring a shitload of sketchy security guards or anything, this lug appears to have created quite the political scandal for the poor Kiwi government. It turns out that the little spying operation setup to nail Mr. Dotcom was actually illegal, since he was a legal resident the whole time. Not to mention that paramilitary raids at (what looks like) the FBI’s behest don’t generally go over very well with your citizenry. The prime minister of New Zealand finally issued a personal apology to Mr. Dotcom, who despite his troubles recently donned a dorky Santa hat and assisted in Auckland’s official Christmas lighting ceremony.
The Final Assessment:
This McAfee story is turning into a Shitshow Without Borders, but we’d rather deal with an obvious nutjob than get caught between the entertainment business the crazy-like-a-fox Kim Dotcom.
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